The Gentlemen's Handbook


Volume 1: The General Rules


APPEARANCE


The only colors a true gentleman should wear:


Grey


Black


Brown


Navy


It also important to note that any color (as long as it is dark) waist coat/necktie combination will do. It is most advised that you avoid bright colors, certain materials such as  velvet, silk as well as any shirts that are lace embroidered. You can expect name calling  as you walk down the street and the occasional blank stairs in the smoking room. After all, we are talking about men's fashion here. You are not a lady. That is, unless, you made it clear to your fellow gentlemen that you are indeed a lady, you just happen to believe that there was some mistake with your gender in the process. Which explains your bright eye blinding attire and your habit of snogging the regular male passer-by. That, or it's just something unfortunate that you've acquired from your mother who wanted  to make her son look like "her little porcelain doll" since you were three.


You are also required to have you hair cut short. A common style is to have your hair combed back or to the side. You may deny this if having your hair cut short terrifies you, or that your hair has been kept long for the same reason mentioned in that last
paragraph. Pansy.


You may have your have your hair long. However, it should no be longer than shoulder length and kept in the appropriate fashion. Which means you should only have your hair loose or  in tied up a ponytail. YOU MAY NOT PUT YOUR HAIR IN PINKTAILS. NOR YOU MAY PUT RIBBONS, FLOWERS, BARRETS, ANY ASSORTED HAIR ACCESSORIES OR GLITTERY SHIT IN IT. It will save you from a thrashing or two.


If there is one thing a true gent is entitled to wear, it is his hat. Look around, do you see any men with out a hat? A respectable man with out a hat is like a women with out her under bustle, you will find yourself feeling incredibly bare. Opt for a top hat, a fedora or a bowler hat. But if you can scrape around for the extra change, get a top hat. You will find that men who wear top hats are widely respected, even by other men who also wear top hats themselves.


It is a gentlemen's duty to remember that it is especially dire that you look your best all times, even if you find you find yourself alone in the middle of the night tattered to shreds in a filthy gutter.


CHIVALRY


Ladies come first. Before you should throw a fit, yes, it IS expected of you. There are no free carriage rides here, youngman. Should you fail to open a door for a lady, expect to get mobbed by other men who are not afraid to defend their gentlemen title by stoning a person who shares the same groins to death.


Do more things than expected when courting a lady. Offer her your arm and accompany her for walks. Open doors, hold her things for her no matter how many times she insists you not to.


Lift her up and carry her fire-man style when going up a flight of stairs. A lady should not have to tire herself from going from going up stairs. Ever.


Show your enemies mercy. Women love that knight in armor shit.


FIGHTING


Should you find yourself in quarrel, whether it be a spat over financial matters or your
friend wont share his mistress with you, you should educate yourself on the art of
proper fighting.


You should not use swords or daggers-they are cumbersome and ultimately barbaric. They should only to be used for sport, such as when threatening children or wiping the floor with some hobo.


You should not use a gun. It violates the chivalric code to which you must adhear to.If you are a real man, you shall never use a gun. Use them in duels when in the killing grounds: it will kill the infidel that's trying to tarnish you family's name
quicker.


Not having any pistols or any cutting instruments of any sort on hand, it is another notable reason why a gentlemen should keep his cane with him at all times. Only a fool would use a cane for walking. For those in doubt, a cane could used as a wonderful weapon. Such as breaking kneecaps or bashing someone's face in. Aiming for your enemy's head and throwing it across the room like a spear is also another favorite battle maneuver.


If you do not own a cane,(or it is currently being polished due a previous attack) and you're in a bit of a disagreement in the parlor room, a kettle with piping hot tea will do. Just be sure to turn your head away as soon you empty the contents of the kettle into the other man's nether regions. It will keep you from crying as you hear the other man scream.


If you are not currently having high noon tea, but find yourself in a room full of people none-the-less, find a lady and (ONLY after bowing and, if you wish, butter her up with some flattery,) ask her to use her fan. Fans may seem light and harmless. However, fan edges are manufactured with wood. Very few men know this,
they'll be in  for a rude surprise when you break their nose.


If none of these things are in your current possession-use your fits. If you find blood on your prized white gloves, it makes things feel ever so much rewarding. Especially, as you
watch your enemy swallow their teeth.


ON A FINAL NOTE


Take this volume and tack it to the inside of your top hat that you bought, so that it will be with you at all times should you need to refer back to it.However, it should be noted that this volume will only get you so far. It is advised that you stay on the look out for Volume 2 of this series where you learn other important rules of becoming a gentlemen, such as:


How to spend your free time


How to find the perfect mistress (Or master. Pansy.)


And...


What illegal activities you should take part in.




Fairwell, my good man!